Archives for December 2018

How About Making an “Old Year’s Resolution” to Be More Self-Compassionate in the New Year?

Perhaps you have seen the clever t-shirt depicting a pirate on his ship exclaiming “The beatings will continue until morale improves!” We tend to laugh at that sentiment because at some point in our lives we have probably found ourselves on the receiving end of that sort of “logic.” And we also laugh because we know it is a ridiculous notion that pummeling someone with negativity will bring about more positivity.

It’s like continuing to put your car in reverse in order to move forward.

But consider for a moment where your New Year’s resolutions come from and see if there are some seeds of this approach in how you treat yourself. Do you look into the mirror and think, “Listen Big Guy, I know you want to lose a few pounds because it’s important to you to stay healthy for your wife and kids. Can you commit to working on this in the New Year?” Or is the tone a bit more like “What’s wrong with you? How could you let yourself go like this? This is so typical of you. You’re such a lazy bum. You need to get off your butt and exercise. This year’s New Year’s resolution will be lose that ugly gut!”

For many of us these days, the latter judgmental tone is much more familiar than the former, more kind and encouraging tone.

And we actually know from the research on self-compassion, done by Dr. Kristin Neff and others, that we are significantly more effective at motivating ourselves to change if that motivation involves a self-compassionate, rather than punitive and critical, approach.

In the Mindful Self-Compassion program created by Drs. Chris Germer and Kristin Neff, there is a key exercise called Discovering Our Core Values (drawn from Steven Hayes’ Acceptance and Commitment) where we guide people to consider what is most deeply important in their lives, and where they are not living in accord with those values. Perhaps you value ease and equanimity in your personal life, and you find that meditation supports you in that, but lately you haven’t been meditating as much as you would like.

This is a place where you are out of alignment with your core values.

How helpful have you found it to berate yourself for not meditating enough? That’s what I thought! What if you could connect more deeply with what really moves you and be guided by that in difficult or stressful times so that you make better choices that are more in alignment with what is profoundly important to you?

Research suggests that one way to do this would be to let go of the self-critical voice that is desperately trying to take care of you and keep you from harm, but doing it in dysfunctional and counter-productive ways like that pirate above!

When you ponder something you would like to change about yourself or your behavior (things that you can actually change) as part of a New Year’s resolution, consider how you normally talk to yourself about that behavior and how successful that approach has been so far (given that it is still on your list of things you want to change!). And then consider the possibility of speaking to yourself in a more loving and supportive way, the way you would want to be motivated by a mentor or coach or supportive friend. Could the more self-compassionate approach actually touch the part of you that wants very much for this change to happen? What would it be like to motivate yourself out of love and positive regard for yourself rather than criticism, judgment and shaming?

All evidence points to this self-compassion approach being far more effective and sustainable than the self-critical approach. And it actually feels better too!

If you find yourself struggling with being kind to yourself, or want to be able to meet your own struggle and suffering with tolerance, warmth and acceptance, you might want consider taking the Mindful Self-Compassion program, either in an 8-week version if one is near you, a 10-week online version, or in a 5-day intensive format. Check the Center for Mindful Self-Compassion website for more information on programs near you.

Gifts of Service They Won’t Forget

In the Mindful Self-Compassion program, we learn that love reveals anything unlike itself. During the holidays, this can be especially apparent for those whose dominant experience of the season includes anxiety, loneliness, emptiness, or a heightened sense of “not enough.”

One way to work with these difficult feelings is to offer acts of embodied service to those on our gift list. As we turn our attention toward others’ needs, space can naturally emerge between us and our own difficulties. We aren’t quite as swept up in them. And from this place, we create opportunities for connection and joy, within ourselves and with others. We are reminded of our part in the interconnected web of life.

Pope Francis invites us to “live the revolution of tenderness” through compassion and service. What would that look like in your life during the holiday season?

Give this short exercise a try:

  • Come to stillness. Greet yourself with a warm “hello” and settle in.
  • Call to mind a person for whom you’d like to provide a gift of service. Imagine their face as clearly as you can. Enjoy their company for a moment. Noticing, perhaps, a warmth of attention that arises.
  • From that place of connected presence, silently ask:

How can I make your life a little more ease-ful right now?

What do you need help with that I have the capacity to offer?

What have I heard you ask for, whether in words or action?

  • Notice any answers that arise. Give them time and patience to show themselves. Let your ideas be silly. Boring. Outrageous. Practical. Jot them down as you go. Gather them like jewels. All have value because they have arisen from loving, connected presence.
  • If a particularly enticing idea arises, do a reality check: Is this gift of your time/attention something that might create connection, ease, joy, delight? Does it arise from your really seeing this person?
  • Do this until just the right gift of service reveals itself. And if it doesn’t, let go of the exercise for now, knowing that ideas can be shy and often need to simmer in the background of your daily life to come to full fruition. Keep playing with it. Trust yourself and your good heart to land on just the right gift.

Ideas for gifts of service or loving attention: 

  • Cook a meal for someone who is over-busy with caring for others and deliver it to their home.
  • Organization: Clean a closet. Haul away recycling. Take old clothes to the thrift store.
  • Administration: Does someone you love need help filing their taxes? Organizing hospital bills? Researching a business venture? Offer a few hours of support.
  • Teach a skill: knitting, crocheting, bookbinding, basic carpentry.
  • Offer an hour of your time to fix someone’s computer.
  • Invite someone over for a meal who may not have frequent outings.
  • Have a book-reading date with a beloved, taking turns reading to one another and enjoying a selection of delicious tea or snacks.
  • For a young child you live with, how about a hot chocolate and story night?
  • Organize and host a game night.
  • For seniors or those with physical disabilities, offer a couple of hours of your time to change lightbulbs, clean out neglected gutters, put fresh batteries in fire detectors, or make other small home repairs.
  • If you know someone who would appreciate company as they pursue a stalled goal, (train for an athletic event, finish writing a book, lose weight, etc.), organize a system of shared support and positive accountability.
  • Simply offer time. Build something together. Compose music together. Perhaps bring over adult coloring books and markers and color together! For children, take them on a museum outing, to the beach, to a sports event, or ice skating.
  • For busy parents who need a night on their own, offer an evening of babysitting.
  • Gift an IOU for pet- or house-sitting for pet-owners on your list who like to travel.
  • For someone you live with, offer to do one of their least-favorite chores for a week (for instance, laundry or emptying the trash).

Teaching an 8-week Course with The Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook

This fall my co-teacher Chris Checkett and I decided to try replacing the handouts booklet with the brand new Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook (“the workbook”) for our most recent 8-week course. The book had been out for only a few weeks when our course began, and we hadn’t familiarised ourselves with it in any depth, but we’d looked at it closely enough to think that we could make it work.

I confess that I felt some impostor-phenomenon trepidation: this time, I found myself thinking, the participants would see that when I’m leading, none of the deep insights or beautiful phrasings are mine…. Unmasked, finally! Like a good MSC teacher I simply buried those misgivings (🙂), and we took the plunge. We were very glad we did.

We integrated the workbook into the course via two emails we sent out after every session: a “home practice” email and a “recommended reading” email, both of which directed participants to various parts of the workbook. I’ll begin by describing some of the payoffs, both for us as teachers and for our participants, and then go into a bit more detail about how the emails worked.

Less pressure on teachers, more reinforcement for participants

One of the biggest advantages for me of using the workbook was that it took some of the pressure off when I was presenting topics. I found that I was less likely to get anxious about making sure I’d said everything I needed to say, because I knew that people would be able to read up on anything they were confused about, or especially interested in, after the session. Of course, we’ve always had the chapter guides for Chris’s and Kristin’s earlier books, and I’ve always used those in my teaching, but the workbook connects much more tightly and straightforwardly to the conceptual material as it’s covered in the sessions of the course. And I knew we’d be pointing our participants to the relevant parts of the workbook in our recommended-reading email each week, which made it easy for participants who were so inclined to reinforce what they’d learned in the sessions at home. (We also had an online discussion board for questions, as well as time after the sessions and the option of email.)

The effect was to make teaching the topics more enjoyable, and that, naturally, had a direct impact on the feel of the sessions. I know that the idea has always been that we shouldn’t worry about covering everything when presenting a topic, but that was always a “growth area” for me…. In this respect your mileage, as they say, may vary.

Streamlined administrative load

Writing the “recommended reading” emails was a fair amount of work, admittedly—more on those below—but having done it once, I now have a set of templates that will need only minor tweaking for future runs. And my home-practice emails will need much less tweaking from run to run than they did when I was using the handouts booklet.

I’ve always wanted to make it as easy as possible for people to follow up on the home-practice recommendations for the week, and so I’ve always put page numbers into the emails and online announcements. Those page numbers would then need to be updated every time a new edition of the handouts booklet came out, along with the titles of the practices in some cases. But on the assumption that new editions of the workbook will come out less often than once a year (🙂), using the workbook means that updating the weekly announcements and emails from course to course will take a lot less work.

(Incidentally, all this goes for our online course announcements, too. We use a beautifully simple web-based app called Basecamp as a central repository for announcements and course materials, but we also send out everything crucial by email, to keep things easy for those people who’d rather not engage with Basecamp.)

More comprehensive coverage of missed sessions

One final, relatively obvious advantage of using the workbook: people who miss a session can make up for a lot more of what they missed. When someone missed a session, I gently upgraded the status of the reading for that week from “recommended but optional” to “a very good idea, both so that you don’t miss out on the valuable ideas and practices we covered in the session, and so that you’re prepared for later sessions.” I also recommended that they do all the exercises in the reading that we’d done in the session, modulo the usual caveats about safety, overwhelm, and so on.

One worry related to this last advantage might be that having the workbook would encourage absenteeism, as people would think that they could always just make up for missing a session by working through the relevant parts of the workbook. For what it’s worth, though, our one run of the course with sixteen participants provided no evidence to support that worry—our absenteeism rates were no higher than with the handouts booklet.

The weekly emails

Email 1: summary of home practices

As I mentioned, in addition to reminding people of the home-practice recommendations for the week, we provided page numbers to help participants find the instructions for the practices in the workbook, along with links to guided versions of the meditations and the like. In almost all cases, the instructions given for the home practices in the workbook fit seamlessly into the 8-week course. Very occasionally, we’d need to point out some way in which the instructions in the workbook should be modified for home practice as part of the 8-week: doing “Silver Linings” for a current difficulty as an optional extra, for example, or adapting “Working with Difficult Emotions” and “Meeting Unmet Needs” to the flow of daily life, so that participants weren’t sitting down to evoke difficult feelings deliberately every day between sessions.

Email 2: recommended reading

After a reminder that the reading is recommended but optional, I’d list the chapters relevant to the session we’d just had, and give a one- or two-sentence summary of what each one covers, to make it easier for people to find things they might be looking for. Then I’d recommend an approach to the practices contained in the reading. (I’m using the word ‘practices’ as a catchall for exercises, meditations, and informal practices.) Some of the practices covered in the reading were home practices for the week, of course, and so they’d already been discussed in the home-practice email. Some weren’t home practices, but were practices we’d done in the session; I’d tell people they should feel free to revisit those if they’d like, but make it clear that they didn’t have to, and remind them to move gently (if at all) with the more activating practices. And then there were some new practices that weren’t amongst the home practice recommendations, and weren’t in the session (e.g., “Compassionate Mess” or “Fierce Compassion”). What I said about those would depend on the practice, but in general the approach was to invite people to try them if they’d like to, whilst making it clear that the recommended home practices for the week were the first port of call, and, as always, gently reminding people to go easy on themselves, allow themselves to be slow learners, and so on.

The “good students”: noticing participants’ impulse to strive

The only disadvantage of using the workbook—or at least, of using it in the way we did—was that participants who began the course striving to be “good students,” or who were determined to fix themselves by working hard at becoming more self-compassionate, were perhaps more likely to feel overwhelmed, or feel bad about falling behind. Despite our regular and emphatic reminders that the reading was entirely optional, there were of course those participants who’d decided that it wasn’t really okay for them not to do it, or not do all of it. It seemed to me that there was a bit more of that this time than in previous runs, when I’d simply list Chris’s and Kristin’s books as optional further resources and make the chapter guides available. That’s not surprising, given that we handed out copies of the workbook in the first session, and then sent out relatively detailed (optional!) reading recommendations every week. But it’s something I’ll keep an eye on next time around. And maybe I’ll call them “optional reading” emails instead.

Unfounded fears? Who, me?

As for those impostor worries, it seems I had nothing to fear. It wasn’t something I really thought about once the course was underway, and our participants were as appreciative as ever when the course ended. But perhaps that’s because I told them I was Chris Germer. 😊


▸ Resources:

Martin Thomson-Jones, an Englishman based in the U.S., is a philosophy professor at Oberlin College and has also taught philosophy at Princeton University and U.C. Berkeley. He has a Ph.D. in philosophy from Stanford University and a B.A. (Joint Hons.) in physics and philosophy from Oxford University. His research is primarily in the philosophy of science. Martin’s upcoming MSC courses include an MSC Intensive in Limuru, Kenya, in March, 2019 and another at Hollyhock, British Columbia, Canada, in June 2019.