Archives for March 2020

Loving Others Without Losing Ourselves as MSC Teachers

As we support our participants during the COVID-19 pandemic, our key guiding principle as teachers is empowerment. Our role is to help participants restore a kind of “inner authority.” We figuratively stand beside them and accompany them on this rich journey of self-discovery and resource-building, but it is they who are doing the work as we send the message that “You’ve got this!”

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The ubiquity of human suffering, especially in the current circumstances of the COVID-19 pandemic, is almost overwhelming at times. Particularly for those of us drawn to share self-compassion through this marvelous mechanism of MSC, we can be acutely aware of the pain in our course participants and others we encounter in our work. As an MSC teacher, and even just as a human being, this can be a troublesome burden to carry.

As the tide of fear began to rise in the U.S. over the virus, it was inspiring to see MSC teachers around the globe responding to that fear with ingenuity, dedication to their participants and sheer certainty that this practice of self-compassion was a crucial survival skill to cope with the what we face. Teachers shifted their courses to online platforms, offered free online drop-in meditation or support sessions, and generally made themselves available to course graduates, current participants and even prospective future students in a spontaneous outpouring of compassion for our fellow humans.

The bond between we teachers and our participants is really quite sacred and precious, and we are finely attuned to the “quivering of the heart” that they experience, inside of class, outside, online, and via email or text message. Our mirror neurons are firing away, and we are feeling the pain and responding with kindness, patience, strength, and compassion. In a way, we are in our element when we are in contact with people who are suffering, but we are in potentially overpowering times with this pandemic because the suffering is truly all around and palpable to everyone. For those of us who are tuned a bit more finely to this distress, it is crucial that we find the right balance of self- and other-care that helps us sustain and continue to be of support to others.

But this is not about self-care, although that is important too, it is about not losing our feet as teachers as we respond to the suffering of the people around us. It is absolutely crucial that we remember the fundamental assumption that we make about our participants and hold that fiercely in all the choices we make as MSC teachers. 

What is that assumption, you ask? It is that we firmly believe, with every fiber of our beings as teachers and practitioners (from our own experience), that each person we encounter possesses within them the fundamental capacity to respond to what they need in a moment of suffering.

They may have forgotten that capacity, believed it to be lost or destroyed by trauma, they may doubt their own resiliency and believe that they need others to lead them, but we know better. We know that deep within each human being is great strength and the seed of self-compassion, however un-watered or neglected. This practices of MSC are the means by which people learn to tend and water that seed and to bring it forth into their lives in a form that is meaningful and valuable to them. This isn’t to say that some people might need a bit more support and encouragement to find this inner strength and kindness, but in the end, it is in them and our role is to help them find and foster it. We are their supports but not their strength.

The key guiding principle here is empowerment. Our role as teachers is to help them restore a kind of “inner authority” that they may have lost along the way, through the way we meet them.

Whether we are asking for their input when presenting a topic, urging them to ask themselves what they need in a particular moment of suffering, or gently inquiring about their experience and letting the spotlight rest gently on them and not us, we are always sending the message that “You’ve got this!” We figuratively stand beside them and accompany them on this rich journey of self-discovery and resource-building, but it is they who are doing the work and we are simply creating the safe space, lighting the way and providing gentle compassionate encouragement when needed.

This profound respect for the deep inner wisdom and resources of every person is the healing ingredient of MSC, and it must extend to how we respond to our participants (or anyone) when they are suffering. When our heart is touched and we feel compelled to take some action to help relieve someone’s pain, we need to be aware of our mission as teachers and ask ourselves: “What will best serve this person?” 

Perhaps a bit deeper question we might ponder in these moments of inspiration to action, is “When I pause long enough to see below the action, who is it for? Who is it TRULY for?” Can we look ourselves in the eye and say that this offering we are considering is truly aligned with our core intention as MSC teachers for our participants? Or is there some hint of needing to comfort or soothe ourselves in the face of their struggles? Is there a familiar pattern from our past that is unfolding in this moment that is better dealt with in other ways? What will empower this person to weather not just this particular storm, but many storms ahead? 

This is not to suggest that we act selfishly when we seek to serve and support the people we teach. To the contrary, if we can meet our own needs in these charged moments (which is, after all, our responsibility), then we raise the level of the encounter to something truly inspiring and timeless for them AND us. This calls to minds the phrases of the Compassion with Equanimity practice of MSC: Everyone is on their own life journey. I am not the cause of this person’s suffering, nor is it entirely within my power to make it go away, even though I wish I could. Moments like this are difficult to bear, yet I may still try to help if I can.

Moments like this are indeed difficult to bear, but it is in bearing them with self-compassion for ourselves in the presence of our participants that they truly learn to bear their own difficult moments. We have served both our own important needs AND theirs, together, but separately.

At certain moments, when people are feeling completely lost and unable to access their own inner resources, the wisest response is to step in and support them, but as our MSC colleague, and widely respected psychotherapist, Susan Pollak recently told me, “I’m actually finding that people are more resourced than I assumed.” Susan went on to advise that we all err on the side of adopting what Zen masters call “don’t know mind” when it comes to rushing in to support people who are struggling. In other words, could we let our basic assumption about people be one of wholeness and resilience? In the end, this is not an easy assumption to make when people come to us not believing in it for themselves, but it is exactly our embrace of this assumption that can help them heal!

And even if we choose to act and offer something extra, above and beyond the call of MSC duty, so to speak, because we feel it is important, we have the constant opportunity to check in and guide our actions. While you are making the offering of time, energy or expense, check in with yourself to see if it nourishes or depletes you to do so, especially over time. This can be tricky because if this offering is made out of love but it fosters a kind of dependence on you as the “expert” or contributes to the person feeling like their resources are outside of themselves, then you may want to adjust and rethink how you manage your offering for the greater good.

The fact that we are moved deeply by the experiences of our participants goes to the very heart of our teaching and is a kind of badge of honor of our profession. But whether we are able to meet those feelings with compassion for ourselves is what makes this work truly heroic. From an embodied stance of self-compassion, we have the strength and warmth to support and empower the people we teach to do the same. This is teaching MSC at its very highest and best purpose: a humble “don’t know mind” stance of openness, encouragement and conviction in the power of self-compassion.

10 Self-Compassion Practices for COVID-19

By Chris Germer & Kristin Neff
Co-Developers of the Mindful Self-Compassion Program

Many people have asked us how self-compassion practice might help them get through this challenging time.  Everyone has been affected to some degree by the coronavirus, perhaps by anxiety about the invisible threat to our communities, loneliness from self-quarantine, economic hardship, or difficulties when we contract the virus ourselves or need to care for sick people.

Below are 10 practices from the Mindful Self-Compassion program that could be helpful, along with brief explanations. All these practices can be found in The Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook and guided recordings are available [click here] for those practices marked with an asterisk (*).

(1) Self-Compassion Break* – The 3 components of self-compassion are a powerful recipe for regulating difficult emotions.  The first component – mindfulness – helps us disentangle from what’s bothering us. The second component – common humanity – is an antidote to the loneliness that may come with social distancing. When we recall that we’re not alone no matter what we’re going through, things become more bearable. The third component of self-compassion – self-kindness – is an antidote to fear. Kindness regulates fear through connection and warmth, similar to what we might experience with a dear friend.

(2) Soothing Touch – We are less likely to receive physical expressions of kindness when we are in self-quarantine but we can still comfort ourselves with touch. Don’t be shy about offering yourself a hug, or by gently placing a hand over your heart, when you need it the most.  (Just be mindful about touching your face, please.)

(3) Giving and Receiving Compassion* – Although we need to physically distance ourselves from others because of the coronavirus, we don’t need to emotionally distance ourselves.  Connection feels good. We can stay in compassionate connection with others by following our breath – breathing compassion in for ourselves and out for others. This can be practiced at home or with others, on the cushion or in caregiving settings.

(4) Being with Difficult Emotions* –Isolation is not natural for human beings. Just being alone with ourselves for an extended period of time usually brings up challenging emotions. Labeling what we’re feeling while we’re feeling it calms the body, finding the emotion in the body anchors the experience, and responding to ourselves with compassion is the connection we’ve probably needed all along.

(5) Soles of the Feet – This practice anchors our awareness in the present moment when we feel emotionally overwhelmed.  The pandemic can be re-traumatizing for some people, for example, if feeling all alone or unsafe triggers traumatic memories. When we feel overwhelmed, it may be helpful to anchor our awareness in the sensations of our feet on the floor. We can redirect our attention away from our thoughts to the point of contact between our body and the earth, helping to ground and settle ourselves.

(6) Affectionate Breathing* – Another helpful practice for helping to ground ourselves when we feel overwhelmed is tuning in to the soothing rhythm of the breath. We can allow ourselves to be caressed by the gentle internal rocking motion of the breath in a way that is calming and soothing.

(7) Self-Compassion in Daily Life – We don’t need to practice meditation to experience self-compassion.  Simply asking ourselves, “How do I care for myself already?” is a self-compassionate act, and actually doing something nice for oneself is even better. For example, when we’re sequestered in our homes, we can still listen to music, dance, read a book, Skype with friends, or play games with family members.

(8) Compassionate Body Scan* – When we find ourselves scanning for signs of the coronavirus in our own bodies, the body begins to feel like an alien and we need to befriend it. We also need to remain friends with our bodies when they are stricken with the virus because the body is doing the best it can and it needs our support. The Compassionate Body Scan is a way to become more intimate and comfortable with our bodies no matter what condition we may be in.

(9) Core Values – The usual ways that we find meaning in life are likely to be interrupted by social distancing.  That doesn’t mean that we have to let go of what is most meaningful to us.  If you found meaning by providing financially for your family, perhaps you can still provide for your family – emotionally – until you return to work?  If you enjoyed meeting with friends, perhaps you can still meet with them online, maybe even with greater interest and understanding? Remaining connected to our core values and finding ways to stay true to them in the midst of disruption is an act of self-care.

(10) Savoring and Gratitude – Sooner or later, we will all become virus-weary and yearn for more joy in life.  Fortunately, joy is close at hand if we give ourselves permission to enjoy the simple things we still have.  Savoring a nice meal is a way to do that, or by taking yourself on a Sense and Savor Walk in the fresh air.  This practice involves letting yourself fully enjoy and take in what is beautiful or interesting to you – the bark of a tree, bird song, the smell of a flower, seeing the world with fresh eyes.  Gratitude is another way of cultivating joy – noticing the small things that enrich our lives that we tend to overlook–running water, morning sunlight, chopping vegetables. The list is endless.

Of course, a single self-compassion practice will not immediately change your life.  Self-compassion is learned slowly. The fruit of self-compassion practice is learning how to hold our struggles and ourselves in a loving embrace, just as we are. Self-quarantine can be like a retreat, albeit involuntary, and it’s an excellent time learn the practice of self-compassion.

Thank you for keeping the flame of compassion burning during these anxious times, and please stay safe.

Self-Compassion and COVID-19

By Drs Chris Germer and Kristin Neff

Co-founders, Center for Mindful Self-Compassion

As the coronavirus spreads around the world, already in over 80 countries, we are all being affected in some way. Travel is being curtailed, the stock market is tumbling, some schools and workplaces are temporarily closing, and hand sanitizer costs as much as $250 a bottle on Amazon. Closer to home, an MSC program that Chris was scheduled to teach in Hong Kong was canceled because the venue became a quarantine site. Kristin has had to quell the fears of her son, Rowan, who is worried about going to school. Epidemiologists are trying to make sense of the situation, but many questions remain: How can we slow the spread of the virus? What will be the impact of this global epidemic?

“Global” is the key word. Many of the problems we are now facing are global in nature, such as the warming planet, economic inequality, and now a contagious virus. The coronavirus is pointing out just how interdependent we are, with disrupted supply chains slowing down manufacturing and international travel spreading the virus.

Globalization is a fact – the only choice is whether we will work together to solve our problems. In our view, the choice is between reacting with fear or responding with kindness.

Nationalists are seizing upon the coronavirus to reinforce the closed borders agenda, but others are working across borders to solve the problem, such as a new collaboration between Harvard scientists and their Chinese colleagues to develop a COVID-19 vaccine. 

What can each of us do? This is where self-compassion comes in. Self-compassion boosts the immune system, it reduces anxiety, and it’s the easiest way to keep our hearts open to others. Some measure of fear is a healthy response to a contagious virus, of course. We want to respond to the contagion in a wise manner – with preventive measures that benefit ourselves and others.

In the case of COVID-19, taking steps to not to contract the virus is taking care of others.

Self-compassion can help if the virus is causing you unnecessary anxiety, limiting your ability to work or travel, reducing your income, or if you or someone you know has already contracted the virus. A self-compassionate response to the COVID-19 epidemic may look something like this, modeled on the Self-compassion Break:

  • Mindfulness – Become aware of how you feel about the virus. Are you feeling anxious, disheartened, confused? Can you feel it in your body? If so, where? Is your mind preoccupied with the virus? If so, what are your thoughts? Can you validate for yourself how you think or feel in a kind and understanding manner? For example, “Yes, this is hard.” “This is difficult.” “This is really stressful.” Can you offer yourself a little space around your feelings, knowing that it’s part of the current situation we’re all in?
  • Common humanity – When you hear news of people struggling with the virus, can you allow this to enhance your sense of being part of a global family rather than feeling separate? Can you imagine yourself in their situation and say, “Just like me.” Or when you reflect on your own distress, can you remind yourself, “Others feel as I do—I am not alone.” “Sickness is part of living.” “This is how it feels to be a human being right now.” 
  • Self-Kindness – Try putting your hand on heart or some other soothing place, helping to calm some of your anxiety through touch. What words do you need to hear to comfort or reassure yourself about the virus right now? Are they realistic? Can you talk to yourself in a warm, compassionate voice? What actions do you need to take to protect yourself, or to provide for yourself? Can you encourage yourself to take these steps, in a supportive manner?

Notice if this practice makes you feel more relaxed and compassionate or encourages you to take positive action. Feel free to find your own way to be compassionate with yourself, perhaps by engaging in everyday self-care behaviors such as enjoying a cup of tea or taking a warm bath.

Like any crisis, the COVID-19 virus is also an opportunity.

For example, you might find a silver lining in the limitations that the virus imposes on your life—an opportunity to step out of your usual routine. Do you have more time to spend with your family? Is this your chance to read a book that you have gazed at longingly for months?

In the big picture, there may also be a silver lining. Back in 2016, as Chris was taking an Uber back to the Sydney airport, he asked the driver, an elderly man from India, what he thought about the political situation in America. The driver’s answer was unforgettable:

“Human history goes through cycles of expansion and contraction, but the periods of expansion are longer than the periods of contraction.” “Why are the expansion periods longer?” Chris asked. The driver replied, “Because the human heart prefers expansion.”

Due to globalization, it seems that threats like the coronavirus will only increase as the years go by. What kind of world do we want to create as we navigate through them? Will our hearts expand or contract as they bump into each new challenge? A global commitment to living compassionately can make all the difference and self-compassion seems like an excellent way to start. Shall we?