Self-compassion involves responding in the same supportive and understanding way you would with a good friend when you have a difficult time, fail, or notice something you don’t like about yourself. There are three elements which comprise self-compassion: Self-kindness vs. self-judgment, common humanity vs. isolation, and mindfulness vs. over-identification.

1. Mindfulness vs. Over-Identification

This is central to self-compassion and provides the awareness needed to be with ourselves as we are and to validate our pain. It’s a balanced state that steers clear of two common reactions to suffering: avoidance and over-identification.

2. Common Humanity vs. Isolation

Common humanity involves recognizing that suffering and personal inadequacy are part of the shared human experience – something that we all go through rather than being something that happens to “me” alone.

3. Self-Kindness vs. Self-Judgment

The element of kindness at the core of self-compassion entails being warm and understanding toward ourselves when we suffer, fail, or feel inadequate, rather than ignoring our pain or punishing ourselves with self-criticism.

In daily life, self-compassion involves noticing when we’re having a hard time, and rather than judging and criticizing ourselves, we respond to our pain with care and kindness, just as we would a dear friend. There’s now an impressive and growing body of research demonstrating that relating to ourselves in a kind, friendly manner is essential for emotional wellbeing. And though self-compassion is not often the first response for many of us during moments of personal struggle, this skill can be trained, even for those of us who did not learn it as children.

  • 1. Self-compassion is a form of self-pity

    While many people think of  self-compassion as feeling sorry for yourself, in fact, self-compassion makes us more willing to accept, experience, and acknowledge difficult feelings with kindness, which paradoxically helps us process and let go of them more fully. (Neff & Pommier, 2013, Raes, 2010)

  • 2. Self-compassion is weak

    Researchers are discovering that self-compassion is one of the most powerful sources of coping and resilience available to us when we encounter major difficulties, such as divorce or chronic pain. (Sbarra, Smith & Mehl, 2012, Hiraoka et al., 2015, Wren et al, 2012)

  • 3. Self-compassion is selfish

    Contrary to the idea that self-compassion is selfish, a growing body of research shows self-compassionate people tend to be more caring and supportive in romantic relationships (Neff & Beretvas, 2013), are more likely to compromise in relationship conflicts (Yarnell & Neff, 2013), and are more compassionate toward others (Neff & Pommier, 2013).

  • 4. Self-compassion is self-indulgent

    Compassion advocates long-term health not short-term pleasure (just like a compassionate mother doesn’t let her child eat all the ice cream he or she wants but says “eat your vegetables.”) And research shows self-compassionate people engage in healthier behaviors like exercise (Magnus, Kowalski & McHugh, 2010), eating well (Schoenefeld & Webb, 2013), and going to the doctor more regularly (Terry et al., 2013).

  • 5. Self-compassion is a form of making excuses

    Self-compassion provides the safety needed to admit mistakes, rather than needing to blame someone else for them.  Research also shows that self-compassionate people take greater personal responsibility for their actions (Leary et al., 2007), and are more likely to apologize if they’ve offended someone (Brienes & Chen, 2012).

  • 6. Self-compassion will undermine motivation

    Most people believe self-criticism is an effective motivator, but it actually undermines self-confidence and leads to fear of failure. Motivation with self-compassion comes from the desire for health and well-being. It provides the emotionally supportive environment needed for change. Research shows that self-compassionate people have high personal standards; they just don’t beat themselves up when they fail (Neff, 2003b). This means they are less afraid of failure (Neff, Hseih, & Dejitthirat, 2007) and are more likely to try again and to persist in their efforts after failing (Breines & Chen, 2012).

Take the Self-Compassion Test

Please read each statement carefully before answering. To the left of each item, indicate how often you behave in the stated manner, using the following scale:

1 Almost Never • 2 Occasionally • 3 About Half Of The Time • 4 Fairly Often • 5 Almost Always

1. I'm disapproving and judgmental about my own flaws and inadequacies.
2. When I'm feeling down I tend to obsess and fixate on everything that's wrong.
3. When things are going badly for me, I see the difficulties as part of life that everyone goes through.
4. When I think about my inadequacies, it tends to make me feel more separate and cut off from the rest of the world.
5. I try to be loving towards myself when I'm feeling emotional pain.
6. When I fail at something important to me I become consumed by feelings of inadequacy.
7. When I'm down and out, I remind myself that there are lots of other people in the world feeling like I am.
8. When times are really difficult, I tend to be tough on myself.
9. When something upsets me I try to keep my emotions in balance.
10. When I feel inadequate in some way, I try to remind myself that feelings of inadequacy are shared by most people.
11. I'm intolerant and impatient towards those aspects of my personality I don't like.
12. When I'm going through a very hard time, I give myself the caring and tenderness I need.
13. When I'm feeling down, I tend to feel like most other people are probably happier than I am.
14. When something painful happens I try to take a balanced view of the situation.
15. I try to see my failings as part of the human condition.
16. When I see aspects of myself that I don't like, I get down on myself.
17. When I fail at something important to me I try to keep things in perspective.
18. When I'm really struggling, I tend to feel like other people must be having an easier time of it.
19. I'm kind to myself when I'm experiencing suffering.
20. When something upsets me I get carried away with my feelings.
21. I can be a bit cold-hearted towards myself when I'm experiencing suffering.
22. When I'm feeling down I try to approach my feelings with curiosity and openness.
23. I'm tolerant of my own flaws and inadequacies.
24. When something painful happens I tend to blow the incident out of proportion.
25. When I fail at something that's important to me, I tend to feel alone in my failure.
26. I try to be understanding and patient towards those aspects of my personality I don't like.

Score Interpretations

Average overall self-compassion scores tend to be around 3.0 on the 1-5 scale, so you can interpret your overall score accordingly. As a rough guide, a score of 1-2.5 for your overall self-compassion score indicates you are low in self-compassion, 2.5-3.5 indicates you are moderate, and 3.5-5.0 means you are high. Remember that higher scores for the Self-Judgment, Isolation, and Over-Identification subscales indicate less self-compassion, while lower scores on these dimensions are indicative of more self-compassion (these subscales are automatically reverse-coded when your overall self-compassion score is calculated.)

Neff, 2003